You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
