Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
