Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
