My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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