You're completely useless in the revolution.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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