I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
