your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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