He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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