ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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