I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
