I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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