Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
