My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
