I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
