come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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