saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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