I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
