stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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