I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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