haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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