Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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