Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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