Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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