dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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