What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
