i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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