He uses pillows to masturbate.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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