he thought i was a dude.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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