She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
