After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
