When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
