I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
