i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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