8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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