pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I didn't notice because vodka
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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