i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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