he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
