Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
