An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
