i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
