it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
