Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize