The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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