Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
