Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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