I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
