The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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