Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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