About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
