do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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