so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
