I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize