First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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