dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
